Hips O' Steel III

Hips o’ Steel III

A few hours in the ICU then back to my room, with tubes going in and tubes coming out, everything was hunky-dory. The next day the OS came and asked me to swing my legs over the side of the bed. Even though I had been warned that this was routine for my post-op, it was still an anxious moment. Shouldn’t have worried though the staff were well trained to manage the situation even with a fat fart like myself. With feet on the floor and a few guided and assisted steps I was (almost) mobile 1 day after the operation. From then on it was me and my Zimmer frame and Khun Took the Physical Therapist. Nice girl but determined!


Day 4 saw the end of the tubes, wounds were clean albeit very sore, especially if I strayed over onto them while sleeping. Bodily functions had almost returned to normal, although during a # 2 the tiny bathroom was reminiscent of a scene from a Harry Houdini act. One major problem was sleeping for any length of time, more so because I was not allowed to turn on either side and had to maintain a pillow between my thighs to alleviate stress on the weakened hip muscles and ligaments that crossing my legs would cause, possibly resulting in a hip dislocation. It all resulted in only one or two hours sleep a night. But that was a small price when compared with the progress I was making.

 Day 5 and it was away with the Zimmer frame, by-passing the crutches and introduction to the walking stick. Again Took came into her own and drilled me on the techniques of walking with a cane. She also dangled a carrot in the shape of an instruction from the OS saying that once I mastered the ‘art’ of climbing up and down the stairs minimum of 10 steps, I would be allowed to go home.

Hips O' Steel II

Hips o’ Steel II

2 days to go
Working my way through the many mini ‘to do’ lists I’ve made out; order taxi, adjust the house, haircut, toilet seat arrangements, etc, etc, etc. Been trying to reduce the flab over the past few months to help make the extra weight on the arms and legs a little less after the op. Managed to come down 8kg but a wee bit short of my target of 12kg. Maybe the next couple of days may see a kg or more if I knuckle down to it.
Played my last game of golf on Monday, badly, said goodbye to my lovely caddy Pin, a petite and beautiful hill-tribe girl (Aka) she’ll be a big miss. She said she would wait, but don’t they all! It felt like I was off to some distant land to fight for some lost cause, could almost smell the grimy station and hear the hissing steam from the train. “Farewell my Lovely”. Silly old bat!

Hips O' Steel

Hips o’ Steel

1 week to go It was when I was unable to bend down to stick my golf tee in the ground and had to drop my ball instead that I finally decided enough was enough, time for the chop! The discomfort in the left hip had increased over the past few weeks and now is in competition with the right as to which one is the biggest pain in the backside!

I asked the orthopedic surgeon to replace them both simultaneously if he considered it doable. He strongly advised a pre-op medical (heart, ECG, chest x-ray, blood count) the works really, to be sure I was in good enough shape to withstand the traumatic effects of the bi-lateral replacement. And what do you know, I passed with flying colours! The internal workings of this oldish body are in great shape, apart from the crumbling hips that is. Even the gout is behaving itself. So decision made.

Let the hip-op music begin.

So it’s looking like Saturday 17th January will be the chop day, and all being well, 7 hobbley days after that, I can take my new spare parts back home with me. Golf maybe a little difficult at first and 5-a-side football and squash will definitely be out for some time, but getting drunk and falling down stairs is always a viable alternative. Probably puts me in contention for a place in the ‘Toon’ (Newcastle United) team.
I looked at the cost at some length as to which country and hospital would offer the best deal. The deal I was offered here in Chiang Mai turned out to be the best, not only was the bi-op. cheaper but it eliminated the need for airfares and accommodation.
The total costs involved could have bought me a nice new shiny car or shares in an Omani racing camel (jockey not included). ‘Fraid it’s put a big hole in the inheritance dosh, has reduced it to the equivalence of “pints all round” and a half a bottle of Jameson’s! There might be a money order or two (enough for the cremation fuel bill) lying around from The Department for Work and Pensions in UK but that’s about it.
Tune in next week for another exciting episode of “Hips of Steel” and find out if BoF (‘Boring old Fart’) can take the steps which will return him to his former glory!